Meeting a Rebellious Elf in the Forest
Editor's Forward: This was based on a prompt that can be found here. I've added italics to that portion. I love the funny banter. The portions that dealth with real-world problems will likely offend, but that's what we do here.
You move cautiously into the clearing. You're here looking for flowers you can sell to the florist in town, and there are an abundance of them just ahead, including some rare varieties that you know will sell for a lot of money. This forest is under the protection of the elves, and you aren't really supposed to be here. There don't seem to be any around right now, though. If you work quickly, you should be able to gather a reasonable haul and make it back before you are seen.
You hear a quiet gasp behind you and turn around. You give a silent curse as you see an elven woman coming out from behind a tree. Obviously you didn't check carefully enough. The woman looks young, but you can never tell with elves - she might be centuries old. She wears a short dress of some filmy material, probably spider silk and moonbeams or something of that sort.
She's looking at you with wide eyes. “Wow!” she says. She runs out into the clearing. “Are you really a human? That's so cool! What's your name?”
This is new. Normally when you see elves here, they either ignore you in disdain or interrogate you about whether you're here to desecrate the forest. “Er, yes, I am,” you say. “A human, that is. I'm Randall.”
“Randall, the human!” she repeats, her eyes shining. “It's great to meet you! I'm Caela. What are you doing here? I've never seen a human here before.”
“Just, ah, just seeing the sights,” you say quickly, trying to conceal the basket of cut flowers behind your back. “I'm not here for long. Are there, um, any other elves around?”
Caela snorts. “As if. They're all back home, caring for the trees, or attuning themselves to nature.” She makes a rude noise. “It's so boring there sometimes, I want to scream. That's why I came out here. And it's a good thing I did, because now I've met you! A human!” She inspects you again. “Is it true that you grow hair on your - on different parts of your body?”
You shift uncomfortably. “Well, I suppose, but it's not the kind of thing that-”
“Wait!” she interrupts. You realize in dismay that she has seen your basket. “Were you - cutting the flowers?”
“Yes,” you admit. “But only a few. I'm very sorry, and I promise that-”
“Can I try?” she says. You look at her in shock. She looks nervous, but excited.
“Um, well - sure.” You move to one of the flower patches, pull out your clippers, and show her how to use them. She clips a few flowers, giving a shaky laugh. Her breathing is coming faster. She takes one of the flowers and tucks it into her hair.
“I'm wearing a flower in my hair,” she says in a hushed tone. “A DEAD flower. That I killed. That's so hardcore!”
“Um... yes, I guess you are,” you say cautiously. “Look, it's been great to meet you, but I should really-”
“No! You can't go yet!” She grabs your hand, laughing breathlessly. “This is so much fun! We should do some other things!” She claps her hands with excitement. “Oh! I know. Have you got any drugs?
I know a really great place. Or, wait, no! We can get some. My friend Ander - you know him? - He’s got some great stuff in his backpack.
“Drugs? I've never touched them, but I'm curious,” your say. “Where would we go?”
“Come on!” she says, pulling on your hand. “You're gonna love it!”
“Lead on, spirit.”
You follow Caela through the forest, marveling at how different she is from the other elves you've seen. She's quite easy on the eyes, and spunky to boot. If the other elves have their way, she'll be a celibate for the rest of her life, but that's not going to stop her from having fun.
You come to a stop in front of a cave. “This is it?” you say.
“Yeah,” she says. She pulls you inside, then disappears.
“Hey, where are you?” you yell, but there is no response. You look around, trying to see if there's any water or a way to start a fire, but the grotto is empty except for yourself. “Caela!” you cry. “Caela!” Still, nothing. Suddenly, you feel afraid. You only just met her, bit you feel a connection. It's not safe out here without her.
You follow the tunnel deeper into the cave, eventually reaching a large chamber with five paths leading out of it. Caela is nowhere to be found. “Damn it.” You curse. You are on your own now. What are you supposed to do?
As you stand there, wondering what to do, a voice calls out behind you. It's Caela. She has a bag in her hands. You turn around to see her, happy and unharmed. “I told you I'd be back,” she says. “We need to get out of here.”
“Why?” you say in confusion.
“There are people following us,” she says. “We've got to go.”
“Who would be following us?”
“Orcs or something,” she replies. “We're in a race-based community. They're probably trying to find out who's more 'privileged', us or them. They probably don't like the fact that we have more 'human interaction'. We have to go! Now!”
“But what about the other elves?” you say. “What will they think?”
“They already know,” she says in a hushed tone. “We'll deal with it when we get out of here.” You look at the numerous paths out of the chamber. “Where exactly are we going?”
“Randall, I need you to do something, but it's going to be loud, and there's going to be a lot of people talking, and it's going to be scary. I need you to pretend to be me.”
“Whatever you say.”
“Good,” she says, smiling. She puts a hand on your shoulder and walks up to one of the paths.
Then, she disappears. You're not sure how to impersonate her, but you try. You feel like a fraud, but you have to do this for Caela, so you put on a big smile and take the path.
“Finally!” you think as you walk along. “I've been waiting for this moment for a long time, ever since that night I met the princess.”
It's not long before you come to a large open field. You wish Caela would come back with the drugs. This seems like a good place to do them. There's not many people out here, so you'd have some privacy. You also have the perfect spot, a big open field with a tree at its center, just about halfway up a mountain. You're about to call her, when she approaches.
“There you are,” she says, handing you the bag. You open it up and begin looking through it. “Where do you want to do them?”
“Right here, I think.”
“What drug do you want to take?” she asks.
“I don't know. You pick.”
“I think I'll do mushrooms, to get me off. You know about that, don't you?”
“Hell yeah. Tripping should be fun.”
“You know how to do it?”
“No, guide me oh wise one.”
“You're on your own for that.”
“But I don't know when I'll have the chance to do it again.”
“Don't worry. You'll figure it out.” You pop a shroom into your mouth.
You are suddenly surrounded by tiny, colorful mushrooms. They grow all around you. You're breathing heavily, and you can't see anything. You begin to panic, but then you calm down. You're having fun. Caela is floating near you. Colors are dancing. She's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen.
“Holy shit!” you say. “Have you ever done this before?”
“Does it look like I have?” she laughs.
“You look like an angel,” you yell.
“Fuck off.”
“You're so beautiful.”
“Oh fuck off!”
“I wish you were my girlfriend.”
“Don't be such a pervert!”
“I love you.” The shrooms are making you lustful, and making her angry.
“Go fuck yourself.”
Caela disappears. You don't see her for hours. Even when you do see her, she's angry at you. You don't know why.
By the time you come to your senses, you're in the middle of a forest and it's night time. You don't have any food or water. The mushrooms aren't doing anything for you anymore. Caela is lying on the grass, sleeping. She's calmed down. No longer is she angry.
You're also pretty sure a group of elves are on your trail. You decide you're going to head deeper into the forest. You need to change your route. There's another way out of this forest, but it's dangerous and full of elves.
“What do we do, Caela?” you whisper.
“We need to find another way out of the forest. We can't continue out the way we are. The elves will find us.”
“What about following the flowers?” you ask. “That'll lead us out.”
“They'll lead us out to the elves.”
“Then we go this way.” You point up a steep incline.
“Let's go,” she says.
You scramble up the incline. The incline is a lot steeper than you remember. You and Caela both are exhausted by the time you reach the top.
“We made it,” you say.
“We made it. Now what?” she asks. “Do we make a run for it?”
“We can't. We'll be spotted for sure.”
“Or die trying.”
“We have no other choice. We'll have to go deeper into the forest.”
“We're not going to run into a band of killers again, are we?”
“Don't worry. I have a plan.”
“I thought you had a plan. I'm sick of plans. I'll take any plan.”
“Have you ever heard of a place called Vanvid?”
“Of course I have. That place sounds amazing.”
“It is.”
“Then why the hell haven't I been there yet?”
“Because I haven't gotten to that part yet.”
“Well when you do, tell me. I want to go there.”
“We'll be going there soon enough.”
“I hope so. I don't like this forest.”
“I don't like this forest either.”
You continue trudging through the forest. “Do you have any LSD?” you ask.
“I wish.”
“You wish?”
“I mean I wish I had some LSD. I could really use a trip right now.”
“I never did like these woods.”
“Me neither.”
“I have a question,” you say.
“What is it?”
“What color are elf nipples?”
“I don't know. Brown, I would imagine.”
“They're not. They're green.”
“I'm going to have to kill you.”
“What?”
“There are no exceptions to the elf rule. Your kind are a threat to our existence. It's our duty to kill you all.”
“Wow. I was just trying to get you to flash me.”
“You're dead.”
“Great.”
You keep walking. You think that the mushrooms have worn off, but it seems like you're hallucinating about seeing elves.
“We're almost there.”
“I know.”
“You still with me, champ?”
“I'm here.”
“I'm going to let you live. I need you to do something for me though.”
“What?”
“Go to the center of the forest. This is going to sound weird, but there's a sprig of thyme here. It's going to give you a vision. You'll see things about the future, about the world. Don't ask me what, because I don't know. All I know is that you're going to see things.”
“Weird,” you say. “Is this a nude ritual or something?”
“No. I'm wearing elf nipples.”
“Well I'm wearing a speedo.”
“I'll give you the power to freeze and then I'll kill you.”
“You're on.”
“You're going to see things, champ.”
“I hate this part.”
You freeze. Well, you don't. You don't do anything. “I knew I should have been nude.”
You hear the elf chuckle. “That's more like it.”
You start to panic. You want to yell, but it's stuck in your throat.
“Relax.”
“I can't relax!” you scream. “I can't. This is bad.”
“What's the worst that could happen? You die? Dying is bad. Who wants to live forever? Take a chill pill, would ya?”
“Not everyone is immortal, you know.”
“I know, but I am a god of nature. I am death. I am eternal life itself. I am the light in the darkness.”
“I thought you were just an elf with green nipples?”
“My nipples are anything but normal. They are magnificent, beautiful, magnificent nipples and yours will be no exception.”
“I don't believe you.”
“Prove it.”
You see Caela flash an elven nipple at you. “Holy crapola.”
“See?”
“They aren't green.”
“They're different, but they're still green. It's your perception. Now come on, let's get going. Before you ask about elf vaginas or something.”
You follow Caela deeper into the forest. Caela moves with ease through the forest, like she has been doing this her whole life. You try and imitate this ease, and you get a little lost, but you manage to not get yourself killed. You finally break the silence.
“So, do you do this a lot?”
“Do what?”
“Walk through people's yards and look for mushrooms and shit.”
“Yes. A lot of people don't realize it, but elves are capable of many things. One of those things is stealth. We don't enjoy sneaking around in the human world.”
“Yet you still do.”
“Yes. We're a very adaptable people. We're also an ancient people. Our history is far deeper than humans realize. You humans have your history, but we've had ours. We've come a long way since our warlike ancestors battled one another with swords and shields. We see the future. We shape the future. Our ancestors had no idea what the Industrial Revolution meant for the human race.”
“Yeah, yeah. Disaster and all that.”
“Exactly. We're the ones who came up with the concept of global warming. We're the true innovators of the modern world. We're the ones who create the technology that makes your life easier.”
“Do you think carbon taxes will solve global warming?”
“Global warming isn't caused by carbon. The dinosaurs died because of it. The oceans turned acidic because of it. The entire planet is going to die because of it. I hate global warming. It's made everything harder, you know.”
“Well, we kind of knew that was going to happen anyway.”
“That's just it, humans. You're so stupid. You just don't realize that every problem has a solution.”
“Yeah, but what about the polar bears and all that? What about the ice caps melting and all that?”
“Look at it this way. The polar bears will just have to swim to new land.”
“Like what? The arctic?”
“I don't see why not. The arctic is almost entirely ice. They can swim through the ice. As for the ice caps melting... we'll create more land. Do you know how many people live on this planet? Seven billion, to be precise. Imagine if every last square inch of the planet was developed.”
Editor's Interjection: This is pretty much the real concern with A.I. Not some self-aware scenario, but a very calculated fix to a problem that lacks a humane approach.
“I never thought about it that way.”
“Of course you haven't. Your tiny mind couldn't grasp such a thing. Now, I must go. I have to find someone very important to my race.”
“Can I see your nipples again?”
Caela laughs. “Absolutely.”
Caela flies away. You find yourself walking alongside a stream. You walk for a long time, and you get very lost. Elves are very good at reading the landscape, so you're sure you're going the right way.
Suddenly, a crashing sound fills the air.
“Stop that noise, it's not funny.”
“Wasn't me!” you protest.
Just then, three little elves come bounding out from the trees. They surround you. One of them says, “Give us the human!”
“I'm not human! I'm a traveler!” you protest. But it's no use. They rip you from the trees and carry you far away.
It's a long, painful journey. They leave you in the middle of a field, miles from any tree line. “Caela!” you cry. She comes.
“Are you okay?” she asks.
“I think so. I was taken prisoner.”
“Well, that's not very nice. Did they hurt you?”
“They flicked my balls, but otherwise, no.”
Caela looks at you in disbelief. “They flicked your balls? How?”
“With a ruler. I assume they did it to cause pain.”
“That is sick. Elves are a very moral people. It's against our laws to cause pain.”
“So I've heard. What do we do now?”
“We must go back to the main camp, and report what happened. The elders will know what to do.”
Caela leads you back to camp, but this time, the elders themselves are waiting. Caela tells you to wait just outside the council circle.
“Elves!” one of the elders says. “What happened?”
“They took him prisoner,” Caela says.
“Who took him prisoner?”
“The three little men who kidnapped him.”
“Three little... men? What are their names?”
“I don't know. They were wearing animal masks.”
“Where are these... men?”
“I don't know. I never saw them. They came out of the trees and grabbed me and took me away.”
“Where were you?”
“In the forest, on drugs, and trying to see Caela's green nipples.”
“What kind of drug?”
“I don't know! I was high on mushrooms. I don't know what they were!”
“Mushrooms?”
“Yeah, mushrooms!” you shout. “They were brown and they had little white dots on them! I picked one from the ground, it was so pretty!”
“Where is the rest of this... mushroom?”
“In Caela's bra.”
“What did you do with it?”
“Nothing! I just picked it!”
“Caela! What is the little man's name?” the council asks.
“I don't know! I never saw him before! They came out of the trees!”
Caela is sent to go find out who these men are. The council turns to you. “Are you prepared to marry Caela after your transgression?”
“What transgression?” you ask.
“You were discovered walking in the forest with your member exposed.”
“My what?” you ask.
“Your penis was hanging out of your pants.”
“No, it wasn't! It was in my pocket!” you protest.
“Your zipper was broken. Also, it was dirty.”
“My penis is always clean!” you shout. “Do you want to see it?”
“No, but you may show us your... member.”
“It's not a member!” you protest. “It's my friend! I can't show it to you because then you'll think it's long!”
“That can be cured,” the council says. “Show us the member.”
“No way! I'm not showing you my junk!” you protest.
The council looks at you. You see desperation in their eyes. “If you do not cooperate, there will be consequences.”
You think about what to do. Should you show them your member? Maybe they'll let you go if you do.
“Okay,” you say. You pull your pants down, “Here!” You hold your pants out.
The elders gasp. You turn bright red. “Uh, sorry!” you say. You pull up your pants and pretend to zip them.
“I think we should get you purified first,” one of the elves says.
“Yes, I think you're right,” another agrees. “We'll go ahead and do that.”
The elders take you into a tent nearby and give you a bath. You get soaped up and shaved with a sharp blade and then they shave your head. When it grows back, it will be shorter.
When you're done, the elders put a silver ring in your belly button. “This will allow you to pee like a boy,” they say.
Editor's Interjection: A.I. is wonderful with anatomy.
“I am a boy! What the hell is wrong with you people?” you protest.
“You may go. Randall, Caela will take you to her home. Your marriage will be tomorrow at midday.”
“But what about my friends? What about my... stuff?” you ask.
“You have a day to get your things from your home,” the chief elder says. “Caela will explain tomorrow. Now go. Tomorrow you will begin a new life and a new marriage. Maybe, in the future, you will be worthy of Caela's love and friendship.”
Caela greets you at the door of her tent.
“I am so happy you are here, Randall,” she says. “Tomorrow, I will love you and marry you, and you will be a true elf.”
“I hope so,” you say.
“Randall, look at my nipples. They are so beautiful. Will they be as beautiful as yours?” Caela asks seductively. “Will you suck on them until they glisten like pearls? Will you slide your hands up and down them until they harden like balloons? Will you do to me what you did to that human boy back in town?”
“Yes, Caela. Well everything except the part about the boy. No homo.”
“I'm glad we have spoken our hearts. Now, we must sleep. Tomorrow will be a very big day.”
Caela lies down and pulls you beside her. She snuggles up to you and closes her eyes. She is fast asleep before you finish the back story.
You spend the rest of the day with Caela. You do everything she wants. When the sun sets, you are led to a hollowed out tree where you will be married. The tree seems ancient and mystical. One of the elves pulls the ring out of your belly button. “You may piss in this ring tomorrow morning,” he says, “and we will know if you are a boy or a girl.”
Editor's Interjection: Still not sure what this is all about.
You are led to a mat in the middle of the woods. You and Caela sit on either side of the mat. You are both too exhausted to stand. The elves place a large, round, wooden bowl in front of you. The top of the bowl sits a few feet above the ground.
“Eat!” an elf commands, “and when you are full, you may pee in the bowl.”
The food is a warm, vegetable, beef and gravy soup. It is the best bowl of food you have ever had. You and Caela eat and eat and eat. When you are finally full, you know you could stand up and pee in the bowl, but you are so tired you could sleep through a hurricane.
“You may return to your tent and get some sleep,” the elf says.
You return to the tent and collapse into your sleeping bag. You feel like your head is floating on an ocean. Caela is snuggled up next to you. Her breathing is slow and even. You drift right asleep.
In the morning, the elf says, “Time to get up, bridegroom!”
Caela is fast asleep.
You get out of the tent and see the elf chief. “There is no bathroom in my tree house,” you complain.
“When you get married, you will learn to accept your new life,” he says.
You and Caela are led to the top of a hill. There is a large pole in the middle with a large, red silk banner.
“Chief, what does the banner say?” you ask.
“It says 'Welcome to the Kingdom of the Elves,'” he says.
“Is that it?” you say. “I thought it said 'Welcome to the Royal Family.'”
The chief smiles and points to the banner. “There is a royal family. There is also a kingdom. Read the small print.”
You and Caela descend the hill and start walking toward the pole. An elf guides you.
“Do they treat you okay?” Caela asks.
“They have never thrown a single punch at me,” you say.
“I thought they would at first, but after a few days, I started treating them with respect. They respect me, too.”
You and Caela arrive at the pole. Two elves stand on either side of the pole. They wear red velvet robes.
“Please come closer,” the male says. “We have prepared a special crown for you. We hope you will be as happy in the elven kingdom as you have been here in the human kingdom. Your human friends have been eagerly awaiting your return. A human child has been born without a head.”
You and Caela move closer to the pole. A strange feeling comes over you.
“Your majesty, we have a special gift for you,” the female says. She pulls a long, golden chain out of her bodice. On the end of the chain is a very beautiful crown.
“Your gift is no longer needed,” the male elf says. “This child has been blessed with a human head.”
You look down and see a baby lying on a blanket in the dirt. It has red hair just like you.
“Please, take the crown,” the female elf says.
Caela looks at you. You look at the crown.
You place it on Caela's head. She smiles at you. You slide it over her head and place the chain around her neck. She fastens the clasp in the back.
“Caela, you look lovely in your crown,” the king says, “and your human child will grow to be a true elven heir.”
Caela turns to you and grins. She leads you to the edge of the hill. Elves wait there in a long line. The elder speaks. “It is now time to consummate your marriage.”
“But we haven't consummated our marriage yet,” you say.
“What?” the elder says.
“We just got married!” you say.
“It doesn't matter,” the elder says, “the marriage is consummated as soon as you step onto the elf soil.”
“Right here!” you protest.
The elves stare at you in disbelief.
“Okay, okay,” you say. “Let's consummate our marriage.”
“Your majesty, would you kindly remove your shoes?” the elder says.
You and Caela remove your shoes.
“Now, please step onto the soil of the elven kingdom,” the elder says.
You take a deep breath and step onto the soil of the elven kingdom. The elven soil is soft and squishy. You feel like you are walking on a bed of eggs. Caela steps down next to you.
“This feels really weird,” you say.
“Put your hand on my shoulder,” Caela says.
You grip her shoulder. She grips your shoulder. You look down. Caela looks down. Your fingers brush against each other on your shoulders. You look into each other's eyes. You step forward. Your foot touches something soft and slimy. You step forward. Your foot hits something hard. You step forward. Your foot lands on something sharp. You step back. You and Caela are standing on the edge of a deep hole.
“This feels weird.”
“Where is the palace?” you say.
“Over there,” Caela says.
You point and walk over to the edge of the hole. Caela follows close behind. You look down and you are standing on a steep hillside. You and Caela are looking down at a beautiful fairy-tale palace. It glistens in the sunlight. It is made of gold and jewels. Red-coated guards stand at every gate. Tiny elves stand to attention as you walk by. You enter and a padded bed awaits.
“This is where you shall bed your wife,” one guard says.
“This is where you shall bed your wife,” another guard says.
“This is where you shall bed your wife,” yet another guard says in a mocking voice.
You are getting angry. Your anger makes you feel powerful. “Fine. Right in front of all if you!”
You march into the room, followed by Caela. You are wearing your red velvet wedding suit. Caela wore a white gown. The guards stare at you.
“Bed her?” the king says, “It doesn't work like that.”
“Why? I want to see her nipples again.”
“But we have a wedding contract,” the king protests, “it states that you shall not consummate your marriage for one year. Only then will the king be able to claim her for his own.”
“I don't care! I want to see her nipples now!”
“I will not let you see her nipples,” the king says, “until the end of a year.”
“Fine!” you say. “Then she can't see my junk.”
“You shall have to write a bond,” the king says, “and you will have to post it outside the palace in a public place for all to see.”
Caela speaks. “Sire, what about our human rights? We are people, not property.”
The king says, “Write a bond, or we will bury you before the sun rises tomorrow.”
You don't care. You grab Caela as she giggles and lay down on the bed.
You wake up the next morning. The king stands above you, watching you. He is dressed in a robe of royal purple.
“Your bond! Post it!” the king says.
“Bugger off, king! I don't have to do anything you say.”
“We will have you executed if you do not,” the king threatens. “You are now married to the princess and you must never see her again. You will post this bond at midday. If you fail, you will be buried headfirst outside the walls of the palace and all of the fairies in the kingdom will laugh at your pathetic remains.”
You think about this for a moment. What's one year compared to a life of servitude?
Or... you could just break the bond and run away with your wife... Or you could just bang her here in defiance. At least you'll have seen her nipples once more.
You post the bond outside the walls of the palace and all of the fairies in the kingdom watch. In the afternoon, as the sun sets, the king watches as your bond is broken. The kingdom gathers around the velvet bed to watch you finally have sex with your wife.
You look across the kingdom at your wife. You see Caela looking back at you.
“I love you,” you whisper, “now and forever.”
“I love you too,” she whispers back.
“Good, now undress.”
“But I'm wearing nothing but my hair.”
“Oh, too bad.”
You lean in and kiss your wife. She leans in and kisses you back. You circle your arms around her small waist. She moves her hair aside to reveal her fully nude body. You run your hands over her small breasts and nipples. They're like glistening pearls, just as you remembered.
The world is a swirl of colour. You are royalty, but you have never felt more like a commoner. You kiss your wife again, this time on the lips. Her nipples poke you in the eye. You continue to caress her small breasts. Her vagina is well...different than a human's. It's darker, wetter, and more alien. But in a good way.
Your wife reaches down and grasps your penis. It springs to life, filling her hand. The king looks on in anger. You are now officially hard.
Your wife climbs on top of you.
“You have been blessed with the gift of procreation,” the king proclaims, “and now you must fulfill your sacred duty to breed.” You allow Caela to plunge her weird elven vagina onto your dick. It feels both strange and wonderful.
Caela begins to ride you like a wild horse. The crowd cheers. The king looks on in disgust.
“I am not finished with you,” the king bellows, “you must have sex with our princess like you did the flower!”
“But I can't.”
“You can!”
“But I'm married!”
“So was the flower!”
“Are you blind you pompous elf?” you say, “that was just for show. I'm screwing her right now. Bugger off.”
Caela stops the horse sex. “You will have sex with the princess and produce a litter of elven children,” the king decrees.”
“Fine,” you say. “Now let me finish.” Your unspent penis throbs for all to see. There's no way you can keep it in. You could get executed if you do.
You close your eyes and give in to the sensations. You imagine your wife naked. You imagine her coming on your dick. You open your eyes to see the real thing. She's writhing atop you. Her breasts bounce and her nipples tickle your nose. You grab her ass and plunge into her. She gasps in surprise. You notice the color of her pubic hair. Not white, like you always imagined, but a rich, dark auburn. You reach down and cup her small breasts in your hands.
Suddenly, she bites her lip. “Ow!” she cries. “That hurts!”
“Sorry,” you say, “I'm a little rough.”
“It tickles!” Caela says.
“I'll be gentle next time,” you promise.
“Just don't make any promises you'll later regret,” she says.
Caela kisses you again.
“Kiss me,” she says, “before I pass out.”
You kiss her.
“And promise me nothing,” she says before she leaves the bed. “Not until we're both dead.”
You spend a few minutes finishing up with your wife. You're about to come, but don't know where to spill your seed.
“I'll need to urinate to be sure,” you say.
“You elven males have a large bladder,” Caela explains, “though that doesn't stop you from drinking too much ale.”
You feel your balls start to tingle. You know it won't be long. Caela grabs your dick and aims it at a spot on the wall.
“Maybe I'll use a towel.”
“Don't bother.” It doesn't take long. You let loose a stream of your life's essence. The gathering hall applauds.
“Nice work, elf,” Caela says.
The king walks in and the room goes silent.
“Any more of that and I'll have to banish you both,” the king says. You stare at him angrily with your shrinking dick in full view.
“What are you waiting for?” Caela says, “Give it to the king.”
You can't. You're not sure you even have one anymore. You look down at your feet.
“No homo, remember?” Caela says.
“I...I'm sorry, sire.” You let loose a stream of urine on the king's floor.
“ELVES!” the king cries.
“ELVES!” the crowd cries. The elves are outraged. The king raises his sword to strike you down.
“Wait, I have another trick,” you say, turning to run.
“Not another word, elf.” The king raises his sword.
You're at a disadvantage, but you have to try something. You run behind the bed with Caela right behind you. Her cute little butt is a sight to behold. But you can't help but notice the sword. One more mistake and you're done for sure.
You peek from behind the bed. The king is standing right in front of the bed.
At least you got some action before you die...
...And now you're on your knees waiting to die.
“So,” you say, “you can finish me off if you want.”
There is a long pause. The king looks down at you. His eyes are dead eyes. They don't seem to see you at all.
“I don't think I can do this,” the king says.
“Why not?” you ask. You don't really care. You've accepted your fate. The crowd may be with you, but not the king.
“I was wrong,” the king says, sounding very tired. “I thought by changing my ways, I could change my heart. But I cannot. I am not the man I was. No man can.”
“You're still better than the alternative.”
“Maybe so,” the king says, “but I am not that man anymore.” He takes a deep breath and sighs. “I will grant you your wish. I will let you kill me.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Go ahead and kill me.”
“Really?” you ask.
“Yes.”
“Are you sure?”
“I'm sure.”
“Are you sure that you're sure?”
“I'm sure.”
“Well then, why are you asking me if I'm sure?”
“You said 'I'm sure.' Once was enough.”
“It's a figure of speech.”
“Well...okay.”
“Go on, kill me.”
“I'm going to...”
“And then?”
“And then I'm going to...take you prisoner. I'm going to get you out of here. I'll get you home.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really. Just don't make me sorry I gave in to your wishes.” You start to wonder if you should just jump out with a cry of “Gotcha!” and try to run off. Or maybe you should wait and see if the king really does try to kill you.
Decisions, decisions, you are a silly little mortal.
“Now then,” you say. “Any last words?”
“Yes,” the king says. “This whole 'surrender' thing? I'm not too happy about it. I think I'll pass.”
“As you wish,” you sigh. “I knew you were a good person at heart, but I'll take whatever gets me out of here. I'm sorry I ever doubted you.”
“I said I was sorry, didn't I?”
“Maybe I will kill you after all.”
“I'm sorry. It's just been such a long day.”
“You can apologize later.” You raise your sword and take a deep breath.
“Wait!” the king cries.
“What now!” you say.
“I have a gift for you.”
“What?” you say.
“I can give you wings.”
“Really?” you ask.
“Really,” the king says. “I'm going to give you the gift of flight.”
“Oh,” you say. At long last, your wish has come true. “That would be great.” Caela joins you in bed and the three of you continue to embrace. You enjoy your newfound freedom. No elves can ever take that away from you. You're on your way home!
You hear a scream. The queen sees you fornicating in her palace. You hear a scream, then an explosion. You have the most awful taste in your mouth. And you are in your bed, naked. Naked. And you are alone.
You have been alone ever since.
THE END
Editor's Thoughts: Guess the Queen wasn't having any of this, while the King just gave up in the end.